Sexual Harassment – An Unpopular Viewpoint (Maybe)

I went to an ice cream shop with a friend the other day and enjoyed my favorite flavor, cookies n’ cream, while sitting on the shop’s front porch.  As usual, the place was busy with families, couples on date night, and teenagers enjoying their youth. I couldn’t help but take notice, as most others did, when three teenage girls came walking up from the parking area. Each one had a similar version of the same outfit. Tank top, low cut, worn with high-heeled boots and shorts so short their butt cheeks were escaping the fabric. Their make-up was heavily applied and they seemed very aware of the attention they were receiving.

I heard one mother tell her young daughter, “Don’t think you will ever be allowed to dress like that.” The girl, who was probably about seven or eight, replied with big eyes, “I know, I won’t.” But then said a little softer, “But boys like girls who dress like that.” I turned away, but not before I saw the mother’s look of shock.

In the past couple of months, and even more so in the last two weeks, we have heard numerous accounts of prominent men being called out for sexual harassment and assault. Yet, it still surprises me every time I hear women saying that they are free to dress and act any way they want and the men are all, 100 percent, to blame. Now, before every women’s rights activist starts shouting that we shouldn’t blame the victim, let me say that no woman deserves to be treated with disrespect, harassment, or violence. Men need to keep their hands, and every other body part, to themselves unless expressly invited to do otherwise. Also, I know there are victims who never wore a provocative outfit or flirted in their lives. However, there are some situations that could have been avoided and women have to get past saying that men need to change (because men who do these things are not going to change) and take the responsibility for themselves or these assaults will keep happening.

We all live in a world where the topic of sex and sexual images bombard us every day. Very provocative images of women cover magazines, movies, television, and billboards. Women go around wearing short-shorts, mini-skirts, low-cut shirts and less. These sexual images are chalked up to women’s rights to express themselves and feel free with their own body.

Let’s get real. Why do women dress like this? Think about what the young girl at the ice cream shop told her mother. We can say we feel comfortable or beautiful. We can say it’s a form of expression. But, we all know that when we dress to be sexy, it is an effort to attract men (or for some women, it is an effort to look better than other women, but still ultimately to be more attractive to men). It does feel good to be thought of as beautiful and sexy, there is nothing wrong with that. I believe that we can achieve this in other ways.

In the last few days, two women, an actress and a politician, have come out with similar views. They have each faced angry backlash, but they are absolutely right.  When women wear provocative clothing and flirt with men, we are sending a message. Unfortunately, we don’t always get to choose who receives this message. There are men out there who are so warped that they feel like the message is an invitation. They are awful, but as much as you want to say that their misguided thinking is their problem, when they act on these thoughts, it becomes their victim’s problem. We can’t control these men and their criminal actions because we don’t know who they are until they have committed a crime and it becomes public, but we can control ourselves and take steps to reduce our vulnerability.

Stop getting drunk in public places, like frat parties. If you weigh 108 pounds and you have to fend off a man of 200 pounds, you are less likely to be able to kick them in the groin if you are so drunk you can’t lift your leg.

Don’t go to or leave parties or bars alone. You are stronger in numbers. You and your friends need to have a pact to watch out for each other.  This goes for leaving any building at night.

Be aware of your surroundings and pay attention to your instincts. If you are getting signals that someone is behaving inappropriately, don’t ignore it. Get away, stay away, and get help. By keeping quiet, you let the criminal get away with his criminal actions and he will continue to assault other women.

Wear clothes that cover your assets. The politician who spoke out about women wearing modest clothes said that maybe she is “old school.” Well, maybe old school is what we need. Think about it. Our grandmothers didn’t have a problem attracting men. Women in generations past wore long skirts, little make-up, and high-collared shirts, but the generations have continued, so they must have shown their beauty in other ways. The thing is, a good man will love you in jeans and a sweatshirt. You don’t need to put it all on display for everyone to see. Your body is not what makes you special!

There is a small fraction of men who will prey on women until they are stopped. We need to do everything in our power to take away their opportunity to harass and assault. It is not a matter of who is to blame, it is a matter of stopping it before it starts.

Women, Choose Your Battles

I understand that women are angry about President Trump’s “locker room” talk. But I don’t understand why women aren’t angry about the plethora of media that objectifies females. Not only do women seem blind to it, but they participate in it.

Media is saturated with women played out as objects to look at instead of people with skills and talents worthy of admiration. Women pose nude, or nearly so, on the cover of magazines, fight crime in skin tight clothing in movies, walk the red carpet in strategically placed sheer cloth, and gyrate to their own music in nothing more than sparkly bathing suits. In interviews, women are asked tough questions about skin care, diets, and broken relationships.

If this is how we women allow ourselves to be portrayed, then how do we expect men to treat us with respect and dignity? Turn on any radio station playing top hits and you can hear all about how popular male musicians view the women around them. One singer considers himself a ferocious animal who “preys” on women like they are pieces of meat to be devoured. Many singers seem to think the word bitch is just another word for woman. Others sing about one-night-stands and the endless string of women they can conquer.

This isn’t the only area of issue. Just look at how women are portrayed in comic books and video games. Their boobs look like bowling balls suspended off their chests. I don’t know how they can stand up, let alone fight crime or mystical beasts. If women think that Barbie dolls are bad for a girl’s self-image, what do they think about how this portrayal of women will shape boys’ expectations?

So, why is there a huge outrage against what President Donald Trump said more than a decade ago, but nothing about these atrocities? Why aren’t there marches outside record studios or protests against video game makers?

Feminism is not just about a pro-choice argument. It is also about the right to dignity for women. We should be outraged by what has become an ordinary part of our culture. This isn’t just about one man’s words, but an entire industry that profits off of reducing women to nothing more than mindless bodies.  We can’t put all the blame on the media, though. We have to respect ourselves in order to be respected.

The first step is to demand more from ourselves and each other. Do not listen to music that is demeaning. Do not buy magazines or watch movies that portray women as objects. Do not allow your sons and daughters to play video games that proffer unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies. Do not purchase clothing for your daughter that encourages her to dress inappropriately, and explain to her why you won’t. Unfortunately, it may come down to a loss of revenue, but hopefully these companies will get the message, too. Once we set the boundaries, and stand up for our own dignity, we will succeed in making a positive change to our culture. Our daughters will be proud.

Women, Encourage Each Other

Most women experience low self-esteem. I would say “all” women, but I am sure there is some woman out there who is unfailingly confident (I’ve never met her, but I’m sure she probably exists). In my lifetime, I would say I have experienced a lack of confidence at least once a day. However, I don’t let that stop me from doing what I believe to be important.  I trudge on, over-analyzing everything, while trying to do my best, hopefully smiling a little along the way. Sometimes it’s harder than others.

I would like to blame Hollywood and supermodels for inundating the world with images of “perfect people”, but that’s just what they are, images. I know the women in advertisements and movies represent only a teeny-tiny percentage of the women in the world. I also know that they don’t look “magazine-ready” when they are sitting on their couch watching television and they aren’t the perfect people they portray in the movies. These women are not what keep me from feeling confident. Unfortunately, it’s the women I encounter on a daily basis, and I would venture to say it’s the same scenario for many other women.

So, I would like to put a proposal out to all women…Please stop judging each other. As a demographic, women are thought of as smart, beautiful, strong, capable and maybe sexy. Oh, and we are also thought of as catty, manipulative, judgmental, gossipy, and pushy. I like the first list, but the second one makes me cringe. So, I propose that we, as a group, stop giving each other the once-over when we meet (you know, the look of “I can’t believe she’s wearing those jeans” or “who did her hair, Edward Scissorhands?”), stop judging a mom whose car floor is covered in goldfish and French fries, and stop thinking every woman who does well in her career either slept her way to the top or could star as the wicked witch.

Instead, I suggest we praise each other, support one another, and encourage all women in whatever their endeavor. A compliment makes both the giver and the receiver feel good, so spread them around. Look for the good instead of focusing on the bad. We can have such a positive effect on each other. Imagine all the things we don’t do because we are afraid of what other people may think. Now imagine how incredible the world would be if women felt encouraged to do the amazing things they are not confident enough to try. We might have flying cars by now!

It starts with something little like a smile or a compliment. For example, usually when I go grocery shopping, I focus on my list and try to get out as fast as I can. I generally pay very little attention to the people around me unless someone really stands out. Then I find myself falling into the judgmental category. The other day, I made an effort to look at each person I passed and smile. I was amazed at how many people smiled back and how many people said hello and even made small talk. It was a small effort, but I felt great! Imagine what it would do for your attitude at work, or at the playground, or at church. You would be lifting the spirits of those around you as well as your own. These small actions can lead to bigger plans like mentoring a young woman in your career field or starting a scholarship program.

Women have the capacity to be passionate, compassionate, hard-working, and creative. We also tend to be harder on ourselves and on each other.  As a way of raising the collective self-esteem of women, which could change the world, compliment a woman today and see what a difference it makes.